I’m going to deviate from my traditional policy of not telling other runners they “should” do anything.
Sometimes you should feel like a fraud.
I feel like a fraud all the time.
I feel like a fraud when I line up at the start line of a half marathon, knowing some of the runners in that line ran 2-3 times the mileage I did in preparation and are going to finish so. much. sooner.
When I look at my “NO DAYS OFF” Tracksmith calendar that Greg gave me for Christmas where I can track my running and cycling, I feel like a fraud. (I love the visual representation of my workouts, but my mantra is a little more “take time to recover!” than “no days off”.)
I feel like a fraud waiting to hear whether I’ll get a number for my first triathlon when I can’t even swim yet.
I feel like a fraud when someone comes over for coffee and my house is immaculate and I baked cranberry orange muffins before they arrived.
Those “fraudulent” feelings I have crop up at times when I’m at my best. When I’m achieving or dreaming of something that’s a bit of a reach. But just because my house isn’t always perfect doesn’t mean I’m faking it when I manage to make homemade muffins and prep a pot of coffee in time to receive a friend.
I’m not struggling with feelings of inadequacy, just a sense that I’m not expressing my most authentic self… because I’m not. That feeling is a sign that I’m trying to join the ranks of people who do whatever it is I’m reaching for. It’s a sign that I’m doing my best to be something I want to be that’s not quite within my comfort zone or regular list of achievements. I love that. I look back with nostalgia to the first few times I went to spin class, when I felt nervous and uncomfortable and a sense of disbelief that I was actually going to DO this. It means I’m growing, I’m pushing, I’m becoming something different. I don’t feel nervous walking into spin class anymore.
Sometimes when you feel you’re in over your head, and you don’t quite belong, it means you’ve surpassed your own expectations and you’re achieving something bigger. Keep faking it. Keep chasing that feeling. Embrace it, accept it as a sign not that you’re inadequate but that you’ve pushed past your comfort zone and are about to achieve new things.
Savor the feeling, because soon you’ll acclimate to that success and be on to the next thing.
That’s a promise.*
*threat?
I love this! It’s how I feel about running in general. Even when I started to be known as “the runner”, I still felt like a fraud. Even knowing I have completed a marathon, I feel like a fraud training for a second. I guess it just means I want to be like the “cool” people who have achieved whatever it is I’m chasing!
Lol, see that’s one of my biggest reasons that I’m not signing up for a marathon soon. Because I suspect I might feel like that, too, and what I WANT to feel if I ever run a marathon is like supreme first human being of the universe, because, seriously, that’s A LOT of training and that is FAR. I remember being introduced to someone last summer and they were like, oh, I live in your neighborhood! You’re the runner, right?! and I was like “uh, well..” Turns out I am literally “the runner” she saw running multiple times a week from afar when she was out walking her dogs. So YES that is me, but I hesitated to identify myself as such!
Great post, Kelly! It took years to call myself a runner because I didn’t feel that I was fast enough or that I’d earned that title, but now I’m happy to call myself a runner.
It’s funny, I was really happy to call myself a runner early on, and now I sometimes describe myself as an over-enthusiastic jogger to people so they have a better idea of where I’m coming from. Not that I’m not a runner, I completely am! But my long runs are, well, jogging pace at the moment. That’s ok, but it helps clarify things when I’m talking to someone who’s like “I did track in college!” and I’m like, oh, no no no.
I guess that’s one advantage of being a Brit – the only people who run at Uni here are elite level – everyone else is more interested in alcohol!