Book review: How to Break Up With Your Phone by Catherine Price

• 0 • Live Well, Mindfulness

Don’t panic.

Catherine Price isn’t telling you that your smartphone doesn’t have any place in a happy life, nor am I. A more accurate (but less catchy) title might have been “How to Re-establish Dominance In Your Relationship With Your Phone”.

Price has no problem with people using their phones… as long as that’s what they want to be doing.

But she makes a compelling argument that our phones have started to use us instead, and that app designers have harnessed neuroscience to keep us scrolling and checking far beyond what has become useful for us.

The goal of her book is to make us aware of how and when we use our smartphones, how it makes us feel, and to break the cycle of mindless app surfing, scrolling and checking by breaking our addiction to the dopamine cycle.

The book begins with a section explaining why the current relationship between many people and their phones is not a positive one, and some potential consequences which include reduced attention span, reduced memory, and depression.

The second half of the book is a 30 day plan for “breaking up with your phone” and then reforming your relationship so that it’s a healthy one where you’re actively deciding when, where, and how you use the phone.

 

You may be using your phone more than you think. I use Apple’s built-in tracker from the latest ios, and it was a rude wake-up call.

 

I strongly recommend this book to everyone with a smartphone.

I’m on Day 6 of the 30 day process and it’s already changing my life. I’ve reclaimed time in my day by taking those minutes of scrolling and adding them together into blocks of time which I can use to actually sit and read a book for 30 minutes, or bake something, or tackle cleaning out a drawer.

I’ve also noticed an increased level of focus. Because I’m actively trying not to pick up my phone unless I want to initiate something (rather than consume something) I’m better able to empty the entire dishwasher without checking Instagram or Facebook or seeing an e-mail that I must deal with right this second.

I freaked out when reading the section of the book about how our attention span is suffering and our brains may actually be changing due to our phone use. Now I actively try to see tasks all the way through. Every time I completely finish a task without stopping and doing something else, I’m training myself to have more focus and patience.

An exercise you can do right now:

On day 2, Price has you assess your current relationship with your phone. What do you love about your phone? What don’t you love about your phone?

I love snapchatting and texting Greg little moments in my day and connecting with him when we’re not together. I love being able to reach my neighbors so our kids can play outside together or we can carpool. I love posting a photo of plant-based food on social media with a link to the recipe and then learning that someone I know made it and thinking about the environmental and animal welfare impact of them eating a meatless meal they might not have otherwise. I love adding appointments to my calendar and getting reminders on my phone for events. I love always having a camera with me so I can capture some of my kids’ special moments.

I don’t love wasting time.

I don’t like that I delay doing dreary, mundane household tasks by scrolling instead and then discovering that twenty minutes have passed and I still have to get everything done only now I don’t have time to do it. (And I wasn’t even having fun during my “break”.)

I don’t love when my children burst into the room excited to tell me something and I don’t hear the first half of it because I was absorbed in social media.

I don’t love that I’ll pick it up during meals with my kids because I’m bored instead of initiating conversation with them or working myself into their conversation.

I don’t love not being present in the moment, or the pressure I feel to photograph every moment instead of living it.

I don’t love getting on social media and seeing all the negativity or negative news stories and then dwelling on them.

I don’t love experiencing FOMO when I see friends doing things on social media.

I don’t love checking my email when I don’t have time to respond and then having the mental burden of that task infiltrate whatever real-life experience I was having.

I don’t love that when I hit a road-block in my writing I reach for my phone and check my e-mail or social media instead of thinking and working through the problem and making progress. Every time the going gets tough, I seem to reach for my phone and distract myself instead of pushing forward.

I don’t like that I’m missing moments with my children that I might have had without a phone, even little ones, like talking to them in waiting rooms at the orthodontist or doctor’s office. How many minutes of my life have I missed having a conversation with them, and for what?

Do you want to be doing this?

After that writing exercise, I started asking myself if my phone was what I want to be doing right then before I picked it up. Sometimes, it is. Sometimes I really do want to send off a photo of that homemade hummus, or snapchat Greg. Sometimes I’m in carline and it would be fun to spend ten minutes scrolling through Instagram for meal inspiration. But a lot of the time, the answer is no. I don’t want to be on my phone. I’m just reaching for it because I also don’t want to clean up from breakfast, or I’m bored.

It’s been less than a week since I’ve been working on Price’s plan, and I’ve already gotten much better at not mindlessly reaching for my phone when my children are present, at seeing tasks all the way through, and at using my leisure time all at once in larger blocks to do things I truly enjoy instead of wasting two minutes here and there throughout the entire day.

It takes time

I’m purposefully following Price’s 30 day plan because it takes time to change a habit. If you try to do it all at once, you might have a good week, but it may be harder for it to stick. Picking up her book every day and reading what “the plan” is for that day and journaling about my progress has helped me play the long game.

Verdict 

I think everyone with a smartphone should read this book. Maybe you have a perfect relationship already… but I would be surprised if even the most technology savvy and mindful of us can’t learn something from Price’s straight forward tactics for being aware of your current relationship, forming goals for what you’d like it to be, and coming up with a plan to break your addiction and get back in control of your device.

The Years are Short

• 1 • Mindfulness

There’s something magical about one-on-one outings with a child. With just the two of us, goal alignment is easy. We can see what he wants to see, lunch where he wants to lunch. There’s no negotiating between siblings about what to see next, how fast to walk, who gets to sit next to the window.

We go at his pace.

We see what he’d like to see, for as long as he’s interested.

We pause and listen to the musicians on the common, and to look at the water fountains or wait for a passing duckling to mosey on by.

No one is telling anyone to hurry up. I, the happily indulgent parent, stroll peacefully next to him answering questions about the whereabouts of the bridge and the depth of the pond water. No one interrupts us.

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It’s glorious. I knew it would be.

I remember feeling a bittersweet loss of my one-on-one time with Will when Andrew was born. He and I did so much together when it was just the two of us. We went from grabbing the stroller and exploring the world together to being at home with a newborn. It was no longer easy to go to the grocery store between naps and feedings, let alone the aquarium.

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Remembering those beautiful times with Will made me pause a moment when I thought about these few weeks with Andrew home and Will still in kindergarten.

The years are short.

When will I have another opportunity like this dropped in my lap to have one-on-one time with Andrew?

So yesterday we took the T to Boston and wandered the Common, had a picnic lunch and rode the swan boats.

Today we’re meeting Greg on his lunch break to go kayaking on the Charles.

Next week he’s in a day camp with friends at a preschool teacher’s house. I’ll be doubling down on my outstanding obligations because the following week we have plans to hit up the local Stamp museum, go into Harvard Square to visit the Curious George store, and maybe head over to the Boston Aquarium.

(We’ll get Will some special time in the next few weeks, too… perhaps with Dad while Andrew helps me fold all the laundry that’s piling up or heads with me to the grocery store.)

I’m glad I had the wherewithall to take a step back and recognize where I was in time, at a moment when my child is thrilled to do something special with me, and I have time to do it.

Because the years are short, and I’m lucky to be here now.

 

Reframing Your Missed Workout Excuses

• 3 • Mindfulness

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I haven’t been blogging because I haven’t been to the gym.

I haven’t been to the gym because I’ve been busy.

I’ve been busy because my life is full of joy!

My sister has found someone wonderful to spend her life with and is getting married so we went dress shopping. My husband is super intelligent and worth flying overseas so he went on a business trip while I parented solo. I’m privileged to be able to stay home with my children and my youngest is sick so I’m home making him tea instead of exercising. I have a great upcoming opportunity to speak to a local green group about environmental choices so I’ve spent time tailoring a presentation for them. I’m lucky enough to have plantar fasciitis so… nevermind. That one just stinks.

I’m sorry to leave readers without a post for a while! Never fear, more inane stories of me trying to make it through some high-intensity class or another are on the horizon. And I’ve gotten in enough Couch to 5k workouts to stay sane.

I’m happy that I’ve learned to correctly frame these busy weeks of my life as choices. It makes me feel less frustrated or guilty about missing workouts and it’s true. I’m really lucky. When my schedule gets busy and crazy it’s because I have so many opportunities to spend time making a difference with volunteer work, socializing with people who make me laugh, or parenting my wonderful kids and supporting my amazing spouse. I could choose to get up early and fit these workouts in (which I have in the past and it’s also a great choice), but I choose to be rested and fully experience the joyful events happening now.

I’ll work out next week.

Whatever you choose, remember that you do have power over how you react to circumstances and how you frame them.

Feel free to post your missed work-out excuses below if you need help with re-framing 😉

How Mindfulness Can Help with Goal Slip-Ups

• 0 • Mindfulness

Mindfulness is the practice of being conscious or aware without judgment. When I get distracted by my thoughts during meditation I simply notice that my attention has wandered and bring my focus back to my breath.

No judging, no being upset that my mind has wandered.  Minds wander! An important part of meditation is the noticing and the bringing of the attention back without judgment. Doing so builds our “mental muscle” that is capable of gently refocusing our attention when it wanders.

Taking time to be upset that our attention has wandered costs us time that could be spent refocusing ourselves.

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This same technique can help us when we slip up on our goals.

Missed a workout? Overslept? Ate an unhealthy breakfast?

What if we skipped self-judgment and dwelling. Instead we can acknowledge the lapse and then gently bring our intention and actions back on track.

“Ok, I didn’t get up early so I wouldn’t have to rush today. I missed a day. I’ll set my alarm for tomorrow now and try again tomorrow.” End of story. No agonizing over the consequences or interpreting lapses as an indicator that you’re not capable of meeting your goal.

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One of the hardest parts of meeting my fitness goals is missed workouts. Snow days, sick kids, sick me, school vacations, school conferences, volunteer shifts… sometimes these workout interrupters are sporadic, sometimes they happen all at once.

In February I had over 10 days go by without a single workout because of sickness and snow days. Then I worked out for two days and went on school vacation and missed another 5.

Now I’m back on track and I’m not going to waste time worrying about it.

When you slip-up on a goal that’s important to you, it’s hard enough to have missed that goal. It doesn’t feel good. Dwelling on it only makes it worse. If we can notice the lapse and gently redirect ourselves we may find it easier to stick to the goal in the long run. Dwelling may tempt us to give up the goal so we don’t have to feel bad about the days that we don’t meet it.

Instead we can stop feeling bad when we miss a day and just get back on track for tomorrow.

Special thanks to Cory Halaby who introduced me to mindfulness and meditation.

 

How mindfulness is going to keep me from losing my mind

• 2 • Mindfulness
Watching Greg and Andrew arrange flowers was a highlight I might have missed if I hadn’t gotten out of my head.

I’ve been pretty stressed out lately.

I can’t stop thinking about the election, and social media doesn’t help. Not only is it everywhere, but I don’t want to mute it; I want to keep my eyes open. Do my part. Speak up. I don’t want to wish I’d done more.

Watch this.

This is what I’m thinking about, most of the day, every day.

But it’s not healthy.

I’m distracted at dinner. Moody. Distant. I need to snap out of it, or I’m not going to make it 45 more days until the election.

That’s where mindfulness comes in.

It’s more important than ever for me to be aware of the present moment. Not to be constantly distracted by thoughts about Election 2016, waffling between outrage and fear, constantly planning what I will do next to help keep hatred out of the White House.

Mindfulness helps.

Tonight, while we were making dinner, I realized I was living in my head and missing some beautiful moments. I focused on the present. I watched Greg and Andrew cut and carefully organize a bouquet of flowers together. Carefully supervised Will using a sharp knife to slice olives for pizza, a parenting task that requires constant focus. I paid attention to the feel of the pizza dough in my hands, watched the focus on Will’s face as he rolled it out.

When I noticed I was thinking about something other than the present moment, I made note of the distraction without getting discouraged, and looked around the room and anchored myself back to the present moment.

Was I entirely successful?

No.

But I had some solid moments of peace, the feel of which made me realize how tense and not myself I’ve been by allowing this preoccupation with the election to take hold of my thoughts.

I want to think about the election when I’m helping with the campaign. Then I want to stop thinking about it. I’m going to work harder on mindfulness, seriously restrict my social media time, and set aside time for checking election news and volunteering for Hillary’s campaign.

Worrying about it all day doesn’t mean I do more to help, it just means it affects me more.

Maybe it’s not Election 2016 for you… but if you find yourself living in your head, worrying about something, mindfulness and meditation may help.