You’ve probably stumbled across The Oatmeal’s famous cartoon titled “The DOs and DO NOTs of runing your first MARATHON”.  The hilarity can be appreciated even by those of us runners who have not attempted the 26.2 – so if you haven’t read it, READ IT NOW.  (All runners should also read about The Blerch.)

I was running a horrendous long run this morning (that quickly became a bit too short to call a long run) and one of the things that helped me successfully traverse those 5.5 miles that should have been 8 was thinking about coming home and sharing my long run wisdom with you – Oatmeal style.  (Also, it’s difficult to hail a cab in Wellesley, MA.)

The DO and DO NOTs of Long Runs

-inpired by Matthew Inman

DO drink plenty of alcohol the night before your long run.  Sweat releases toxins from the body, so timing your alcohol consumption for the night before a long run is smart, efficient, and healthy.  Obviously alcohol should be consumed in moderation, but if you’re going to reach for that second (or third) glass of champagne to celebrate your wedding anniversary, make it the night before you run long and hard.

DO NOT wave, nod, or otherwise acknowledge other runners on the road.  Certainly do not say “HI!” or “Good morning!”.  Not only would speaking compromise your oxygen levels and reduce your running efficiency, it also makes you look less serious and reduces the probability that other runners will dive out of your way.  Waving at other runners can cause a horrible mental illness called “lack of reciprocal wave anxiety”.  This serious condition (to which some runners are more susceptible than others) can reduce running efficiency by up to 90% as runners waste energy and lose self-esteem analyzing possible reasons for the lack of reciprocal wave.

DO stay up late the night before your long run.  Running is a great way to increase your energy levels.  Make the most of it by staying up late the night before.  If you’re well-rested, are you making the most of the energy boosting qualities running provides?

DO leave your empty gel wrappers in your running shorts while laundering. How else will your roommates or significant other have a weekly reminder of what an awesome and dedicated runner you are?  Every time they peel that little piece of foil from the side of the washer or dryer, they’ll shake their head in awe as they contemplate your athleticism.  This is also a great way to get them clean enough for recycling.

DO stop your Garmin as you pause to drink water, photograph scenery, take a walking break, or dry heave on someone’s lawn.  Hitting the STOP button for any non running activities on your run makes sure that you have a BEST CASE scenario in mind for race day regarding the amount of time it takes you to traverse X number of miles.  If you leave your Garmin running, you will have an ACCURATE idea of how long it takes you to traverse X number of miles.  Accurate expectations lead to under-performing on race day, when you may be tempted to go out at a realistic pace rather than the pace you could run with an unlimited number of breaks.  You can not make up that time later in the race, my friend.

DO train your body to perform in all kinds of sub-prime conditions by running directly after breakfast, or after skipping breakfast and waiting several hours without fuel of any type, and other such strategies.  Don’t cater to your stomach’s weaknesses and give in to professional advice or common sense when it comes to when and what you’re eating before a long run.

DO NOT reduce your pace to compensate for heat or humidity. This makes your body weak, as does avoiding the heat by running in the morning or evening before it gets hot, or using a treadmill to avoid getting heat stroke.

DO NOT carry water because that weight just slows you down.

DO run the same pace for all of your runs regardless of distance.  Because that’s the pace you run, darn it, and if you can’t maintain it, just press the STOP button on your Garmin until you can run that pace again.  Race day adrenaline will delete all those STOPS and you’ll run a seamless half marathon at 5k pace, just wait and see.

DO book a babysitter who needs to leave ten minutes before you can realistically arrive home. Make the incentive real.  Going out for a run when there isn’t much time before a family gathering is also a great idea.  Make sure these runs are out and back runs so there’s no chance of you cutting your mileage short rather than over-exerting yourself at the end.

DO time all your running to avoid irritating obligations such as getting your house ready for guests or taking care of children solo because your significant other needs to “get some work done”.  Print out sheets about how important running is to your health and how much you appreciate the support of your family and have them ready to hand to nay-sayers.  Ask them to think about how they can better support your running while you’re gone.

DO take bad long runs as a sign that you should quit running. A real runner never has a bad day, or even if they do, they still get all their mileage in.  If you’re not able to meet your prescribed pace and distance every time you head out for a run, you should probably take up Zumba instead.

DO NOT actually do any of these things.  Because a runner who looks like this 5 miles into a half marathon should never be taken seriously.  😉